I am trying to be brave, for me.
Time passing will not heal you if you don't consciously try to unpack the wounds, clean them, tend to them, and not obsess over scar tissue. But you see, this takes bravery.
And I am brave, about external things.
I will face a panel, an evaluation, an interrogation, an audience of any number, a crowd of any multitude with barely any nerves.
But ask me to face myself, and I become the shyest, most afraid human being ever to walk the earth.
For the longest time, I thought I was not worth the effort to fix. I have been terrible, my goodness, I have been so terrible. It fills my mouth with bile to think of it, so I thought if I poured into everyone and tried to be good, eventually, in some way, It would come back to me and make me worth it. Needless to say, I have found out the hard way it does not work like that.
I could be kinder to myself, but I am so used to being cruel that kindness feels like a betrayal of everything I know. And yet maybe I need to betray myself; perhaps this time, it is okay to be disloyal to the ideas hurting me. It is not a badge of honor to continue to suffer by my hand, especially when I know better.
The tone of this newsletter today is pitiful and navel-gazing, but that’s alright.
The business of fixing wounds has never been pretty or confident, or aesthetically pleasing. It is pitiful work and requires a good deal of navel and even deeper parts gazing. I’ve spent most of my life packaging, and it feels nice to let the mess fly now and then.
I recently read The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun, and here are some quotes that relate to today’s tapestry:
“I think you’ve gotten really good at talking yourself out of your feelings.”
“I’m worried you don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?”
“I’m worried you don’t know what you deserve.”
I am learning to sit with my feelings and believe I deserve to be well. I am trying to be brave for me, because I deserve it fully and wholly.
Nice work. Sending lots of love!